March 2004 DullesClose The Door !
Today we are sitting here wondering why Paigee asked to talk to the Hospice Nurse behind closed doors; without either of us in the room, at her request
Later after Sandy leaves ->
How do you describe these emotions, let alone put them into words. Paigee told Sandy, "I'm scared, Mom and Dad seem so upset and I know I've been sick for so long. I'm worried about them." Sandy told Rosie that she thinks Paigee is hanging on because of how we would feel if she died. Sandy was sure that Paigee knew in her heart that she was dying, but was just afraid to talk about it. In August when Paigee went off treatment we met with Dr. Barbara Sourkes at LPCH and this is what she told us this would happen. How do you keep the tears from falling as you are telling your 6 yr old that it is ok to stop fighting, " Paigee, Heaven is a wonderful place and God has a place for you there." We don't attend Church, but have told Paigee about God and Jesus throughout her life, I hope now that I have fulfilled that duty and that she will truly go to Heaven, I hope that I did not jeopardize her Soul to Hell.
I fear Paigee will die today. Last March I contacted Cartoon Network to see if I could get Billy and Mandy Video's; they were not for sale on their Website and Paigee loves the show, what could it hurt to ask. I found the sweetest Woman, she was so appropriate and said she would have them sent to our home. I was afraid that Katie was just so busy ( and I eventually worried if she was planning on making tapes at home on her own time ) and would be stressing over not getting them done that I sent an email shortly after Paigee ended up in bed to let her know how grateful I was that she even offered, but that it wouldn't matter anymore. Today 6 videos arrived in the mail. It is not very often I'm touched by the kindness and generosity of other people, but today Katie Morgan was added to the top of the list.
Categories: Daily,Hospice
posted by c @ 12:59 PM
6 Comments:
I spent most of my childhood watching my father die. It was a long, difficult battle with cancer that he ultimately lost. I cannot tell you the number of times those questions came up in my home.
Why us?
How could a benevolent God...
And I can tell you that we never really got any answers to those questions. What I do know, is that my father held on for us until we said it was ok for him to go.
Support groups didn't really help much beyond knowing that you weren't alone. How do you ask people dealing with the same sorrow to comfort you when they need that same comfort?
Please know that every single thing you feel is ok. There is no wrong emotion in dealing with this. Expressing it - be it a support group, friend, family member, blog - is so very important.
My thoughts are with you and your family.
Melissa
My son passed away 6 months ago and I have met Paige. Friends with Ben Diff as well. We were roomates.
Chad had AML and was only five. From diagnosis to death was only 10 months. The worst 10 months ever. Can't imagine the pain and devastation you feel.
All of your statements and sarcasm and grief, I smile inside because I feel the same way. Sarcasm helps me get through quite a bit.
Can't understand why after praying and praying and keeping hope and praying that God would do this to my baby. Why would God bring pain and suffering to a sweet child? If he wants our children back, don't make them suffer, take them happily. Sounds stupid, because I wouldn't want to lose him happily either, but at least he wouldn't have had to suffer the way he did.
I also agree with people not knowing what the heck to say. If you don't, then don't say anything. I learned that right away. When Christine Diff asked me if it gets easier, I said don't ask me that. Too soon. I don't think so though. Maybe different but not easier.
People suggest support groups. Whatever. Why do I want to sit and listen to a bunch of people cry about themselves? I have no time, I am worried about myself and my remaining family.
My husband went once and he said there were people there that had lost someone 6 years ago! That must have been real comforting to know that 6 years from now, we may still need therapy...
Your site is wonderful. I am addicted and log on so many times every day to get an update on Paigee. I love her in my own way. I believe she is probably holding on for you because she is worried.
Chad, although unconscious, held on until I could all of my family there.
Who cares what others think. Those who count, will understand whatever comes out or doesn't come out of your mouth!
This is the worst thing anyone can go through. It really is.
Lori Whitmore
whitmorel@contech-cpi.com
Hello Christopher~ Just when it seemed that this process could not be more heart-breaking, I read your post this evening. I think that Paige choosing to talk heart-to-heart with Sandy is a good thing and very much in keeping with the Paige that I know and love. Do you remember back when Paige was acutely suffering from the effects of radiation therapy..
I remember that Rosemary told Paige that she wished she (Rosemary) could go through this treatment instead of Paige. And Paige's response was "no Mom, I don't want you to, it hurts too much"... Honestly, Christopher, I have never heard a young child demonstrate so much love for a parent. So it is not surprising to me that you and Rosemary are uppermost in her thoughts~ I suspect that if she needs to talk to either one of you, see will find her way to do so.
Paige has the benefit of parents who are kind, loving and devoted to her. So it is not unexpected that she offers so much back to you and Rosemary, even during this difficult time. How could it be otherwise?
We cannot imagine just what exactly you are going through, I only know that you, Rosemary and Paige have set a very high bar for the rest of us to follow.
I am not sure how you feel about Paige talking to Sandy instead of Mom or Dad, but I think it is really OK.. It is one sign that she is growing up and growing away from her parents...(a little bit). It is difficult but satisfying to see her acting as an older "young girl". And I guess none of us can lean on one person exclusively.
We miss you~
All my love, YFSIL
You mentioned you hoped Paige would go to Heaven. I'm glad you shared God and Jesus with her. Has she asked Jesus to come in her heart and forgive all her sins? If she does sincerely believe and confess that Jesus is her savior from sin and hell and if she prays for Jesus to save her, He will save her soul. That's why He died on the cross ..to pay for our salvation.
A simple prayer that she could say is,"Dear God, I know that I have done wrong and am a sinner. I believe that Jesus died for my sins so that I can go to Heaven. Please forgive me for everything I have or may have done that hurt You. Save me from my sins and let me be Yours forever. In Jesus name I pray,
Amen"
Chris, I have no answers for you and Rosie as to why this happened to Paigee. And like Melissa said, you may never get answers to your many questions. But the one thing I do know and stand on with every breath I take is that God loves you,Rosie and Paigee. That God sees you, your pain, your anger, your confusion, your despair. You can yell at him,get angry, scream, it's ok, he's big enough to take it.And when you feel that you cannot pray because the pain is so unbearable know that your family, friends and those that have followed your blog are praying and lifting you,Rosie and Paigee up before Him. We will "stand in the gap" on your behalf.God has promised that he will NEVER leave us or forget us. That's a promise, Chris! And even if you don't feel it, stand and claim it Chris. And know that I'm claiming it for you!
Don't worry about "not taking Paigee to church". It's not about how many times or even if you did go to church at all. It's about her heart. You said you told Paigee about God and His love for her. You told her about Jesus and how much he loved her to die for her. Children believe what their parents tell them. She knows God loves her.She knows where she's going. I'm sure the person meant well when she said Paigee needed to pray a "certain" prayer. If you chose to do that with her, that's fine. But.........if you don't, Paigee will be with her Heavenly Father!
Don't give up on Him,Chris. No matter what happens, I promise you that He hasn't forgotten you.
Praying His sweet peace on you, Rosie and Paigee tonight. Love, Your cousin Carolyn
Chris,
Oh my. I am sure the person meant well too, but let me tell you, Paigee is just a baby. She has not sinned and doesn't even know how to spiteful I'm sure. She is going to be with God and with Chad and with Ben and all of her friends that she has met along the way that are already there. I like to think they will show her the ropes.
No special prayer is needed. That is what I feel so deeply. She is destined to be an angel just as she is here on earth.
I am keeping you in my prayers as well. I am still "mad" at God for letting me lose my Chad, but I am thankful I had him for 5 years. He has brought so much to so many and nobody that ever met him for even 5 minutes will forget him. That's is my boy's legacy. His spirit lives on in so many people's memories and funny stories. Just as your beautiful Paigee's will.
Lori Whitmore
whitmorel@contech-cpi.com
Post a Comment
<< Home