Bitchy

First, this is my Journal, something I will be able to reflect back, to see what was going on during all the Stages in the last 32 months of Paigee's life. I hope that I do not offend anyone, but then I think I've gone to too much effort to make this Socially acceptable when it really should be just a recording of events, and a way to relieve some of the STRESS related to this horror.

I'm extremely bitchy today. I read another Blog Cancer Baby [click here]fairly regularly. A woman with Ovarian Cancer. She was offline for awhile and I was going through serious withdrawals. Something about her writing gives me an emotional boost ( a bolus is a better word, I'm begining to look at the Internet as if it were my PCA pump, I spend so much time here looking for relief ). I love that Cancerbaby is so angry, able to express how having Cancer makes her feel; the anger, at time rage, the upset over everything you experience along the way, the things that have been taken away.

I want to scream for Paigee ! But then maybe I shouldn't really care. What does life amount to if the single most important thing you have is ripped from you hands. Maybe she isn't missing anything; just anguish and disappointment. In the midst of this it's hard to average out all the good with the bad. Right now it's just bad. I know, "Life goes on !", I hear that one too often. But does it really ! You're never the same, at best an emotional cripple. Avoiding this, sidestepping that, tip toeing through life's mine field of memories. Does time really heal all wounds !

A Nurse Practitioner at LPCH, one with poor Social skill gave me her parting shot at wisdom a couple of days before Paigee was confined to bed. She knew Paigee was going to die, and her best effort was, "you'll get by !" Men can't slap women or I would have. All that Schooling and to be so Socially inept. Better yet, being in contact with emotionally raw people like Rosie and I. I don't think an apology would have made a difference. I couldn't really get upset because it would have been obvious to Paigee that something was wrong.

SCREAM ....