OMG

Quick post. I am very raw and you may not want to read this. This journal is as much a way to release my frustrations, fear, anger as it is a way to document Paigee's progress. For awhile I was able to keep two journals. However, even though I wrote in the other it started to spill into this one.

Paigee's face looks different today. I'm scared out of my mind. What Christine ( Bens Mother ) shared with Rosemary was that at the end Ben's head looked like a watermellon. That is my worst fear, and John, Christine and Ben lived it. Ben was an Angel. When he talked his eyes sparkled, he was so confident as he talked about his Game Boy. Ben was so innocent early in his treatment. You knew he was going to be a star. Three days before he died, Rosie and I saw Ben in the Day Hospital. To see that once beautiful boy then, it made me ache, my heart went out to Christine, John and especially Ben.

The fear of losing your child is only compounded as you wait for their features to be distorted and twisted into something you don't recognize. I am imagining all the memories leading up to this become like ghosts as they wisp in and out of your consciousness. To be forever replaced by the ones you are left with.