Sadness

There is no feeling as bad as entering into the Holidays after losing your child. What would have been a time of joy and excitement becomes an exercise in masking your loss. Today both Rosie and I are emotionally low. It has to be related to Paigee not being here after all the years we worshiped each moment with her. Today I had a meltdown over all the toys still stored throughtout the House. I know I'm just trying to remove the physical reminders of her life.

It's a more painful reminder to receive Christmas cards with the traditional family letter. Reflecting back on the wonderful things the past year brought. As much as Rosie and I kept her imminent loss from Paigee, each day was a painful reminder of what the future held for us. Not just the past year, but for 32 month leading up to October 20th. To live with such terror for so long was a brutal misfortune brought on our family. Such loss must hold some meaning, I know I'll always wonder what it is.

I feel empty this Holiday. My heart continues to beat, but I have no happiness. I hope for the time to go quickly, Christmas holds no special meaning for me any longer. I'm a shell of a person that once knew a happy and full life. I'm reminded of how many times I was told, "life goes on." I ask myself if it truly does. With life's special gift taken from you, you hope for life to go on, but it hasn't for me. Each day I reflect back on how cruel it has become. Avoiding my loss, learning new ways not to feel the pain.

What will become of the survivors of Paigee's life, a very short life indeed.

Today was a speical day.