Daily Updates

11:30 AM Paigee seems to be sleeping very comfortably. After starting her on Phenobarb yesterday she has been completely out of it. That was a particulary difficult matter to deal with, I realized that she was truly going away, no more sounds, no more movement. Now she just lies there, limp and for all purposes lifeless; except for breathing of course. It's amazing though how I still fantasize about a Miracle and that she will survive this. I guess denial is a good defense/coping mechanism.

830 PM Paigee has slept ( or what looks like sleep ) all day, actually since Sunday afternoon. She is breathing lightly but does not struggle for air. I guess after 2 days in this state it's not likely she is coming back. I don't know why it is so difficult after knowing all these months this is where we'd be. The cold stark reality is overwhelming.

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It finally occured to me that the reason Paige can't move can be attributed to loss of brain function due to the size of the Tumor. It certainly has also affected her ability to speak. It was just coincidental that we started Phenobarb when she had the seizure. Funny how you still question adminstering drugs because of the side effects.

We are in the 43rd day since Paigee was bedridden. For Rosie this means 24x7 ( except for when she needs a break and I take over ) in that oh so small room we once called, "The Master Bedroom." Facing that room is going to be hard when Paigee does finally pass. I guess nothing will replace that image of Paigee in Rosie and my bed for all those days. I'm worried though what it will be like when the numbness goes away and the grieving begins. I'm preparing myself for Public, getting in practice for, "I'm not really comfortable talking about that right now", I'm willing to bet I'll never feel like talking about it !

Lord knows I have a couple of unfinished projects around the house. Probably not safe working around power tools though if you're grieving. I am not too excited to be rushed to the ER with a thumb in hand, only recently removed via a table saw. I think I will take all the Journal entries/pics and put them in a M$ Word document to back up the Blog. I'm not sure how long Blogs will be around and I probably will always want to remember all the events during these 40 something months. I"m thinking along the lines of what John and Christine did for Ben. Oh God, I could listen to Ben talk endlessly about his Gameboy.

I just remembered Jessica's side yard where she took all those wonderful pictures of Paigee. I wish my hillside looked like her yard. Now that's a safe way to struggle through this upcoming trauma. Now I think I can relate to the expression, "The walking wounded."

Rosie talked about adopting the other night; I lost control of my emotions, the numbness dried up that night. I'm afraid we are jinxed and that any kid of ours would be destined for a similar journey that Paigee has suffered quietly through since she was 4 and 1/2.

We've decided on a local Funeral Home here in Town. We are going to have Paigee Cremated, you never know when misfortune will drive you somewhere else, and an urn is much easier to transport. My next big project will be to find a urn in the shape of a Poodle. I'd bet Paigee would like that if she had a say in the matter. On it, it will say, "I was Silly and I was Happy", what she wanted a head stone to say if she had a choice. I hope this isn't a shock, but then we haven't really mentioned this subject to anyone, why not tell the World, something I'm getting good at. ( on second thought a funerary urn shaped like a poodle seems inappropriate, people would ask about the urn like it had been a pet, reconsidering. remember my mind is mush right now ). Wow, talk about a Cottage Industry; I couldn't believe all the other items related to having a family member cremated; jewelry, yada, yada.... I'm falling victim though I have to admit.
I never thought about it but now I want a neclace ( masculine of course ) to keep part of Paigee next to me at all times. I hope that isn't a sick though that will turn people against me.

Schools out, I hear all the traffic of Parents coming to pick up their kids, lucky them to still have children.

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